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Remembering how things were

I remember the disgusting feeling walking into the LC to buy my poison. The shame, the guilt. It starts there.
Then I have my brown bag, and I reach into it when I am in the car and pull out the road drink. Yes, road drink.
I gag as I open it and get the first whiff of alcohol. I take a tentative sip, swallow and gag again.
The next sip is easier, and the next one is a gulp. I finish the can in time to arrive home.
Throw the can into the trash bin, and grab the brown bag. Tuck it under my arm in hopes my neighbors don’t see and recognize the bag.
I get into my house, frantically fumbling with my jacket and boots as I can’t get them off fast enough. I run up with my bag into my room and stuff it between my bed and night table ignoring the old wine stains on both.
I settle onto the bed, grab the contents of the bag and I twist the cap of the liter tetra pack of red wine. Sometimes I pour it into a glass, sometimes I drink straight out of the carton. It depends how desperate I am. I take deep long sips until I no longer notice the warmth in my chest. About a quarter of the way through, my head starts to feel swampy, what used to be the onset of a happy buzz is now just a cloudy, soupy and numb feeling.
It’s time to start the chain smoking ritual, so down to the basement bathroom to smoke so my neighbors don’t see and judge me. I only leave my bed to go to the upstairs washroom to pee, or downstairs to smoke.
What do I do all night? Who knows. Put on a show I pay no attention to, scroll through my phone looking at whoknowswhat, spending money I don’t have on Amazon – this item is what I need to finally make my life better! Maybe stuff some crap into my mouth that I call dinner.
This will continue until I am shaking the empty carton above my opened mouth trying to drink the last drop. Regretting I haven’t saved any for the morning shakes. I can only save some when I buy a box of wine, but I’m trying to “control” the amount I drink in a night and I always go over when I have a box.
I shut everything off and lay down in bed, close my eyes and hope to pass out shortly. Which I do, usually around 8 or 9 oclock.
I wake up with a jolt around 2 or 3 am, heart racing, in a full panic attack. I feel horrendous. I know I have to be up for work in a few hours. I lay there sweating and shaking, cursing that I don’t have anything to drink to get me back to sleep, in full anxiety until my alarm clock rings.
I snooze it until the last possible moment, not because I am sleeping but I am horrified at the thought of getting out of bed and facing my day. When I finally get up, I rush through throwing together a sorry excuse for a lunch, I try to put some makeup on to hide the bloated, puffy hungover mess that is my face, shakily get dressed and make a coffee. I gulp the coffee down hoping that it will wake me up and make me feel better, but it never does. I crawl back under the covers, set a timer for the last possible minute before I have to leave and clutch my pillow. The anxiety grips my whole body and I am exhausted. And I despise myself for doing it again.
This was my life. Not anymore.
I cannot express how grateful I am to be sober today. I am no stranger to attempts to quit and stretches of sobriety, but I never fully committed.
Today, I have a strong recovery plan that I am treating like a full time job. AA and other recovery meetings daily, devouring books, blogs, articles and podcasts on recovery, journaling, reflection, meditation, healthy diet, and even starting light exercise.
I have been prescribed Naltrexone in the past, and it worked a bit but I never committed to that either. If I had been serious, Naltrexone would have been a huge tool in the recovery toolbox, and if that’s an option for anyone I highly recommend it. I still have it handy, but I don’t need it currently. I work through cravings as they come with my CBT Therapy workbook, meeting attendance and meditation. I play the tape forward. I revisit my reasons for not drinking.
Today, I choose to put my recovery first and for that I am infinitely grateful.
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